Saturday, July 14, 2012

Me, the bike, & the POOP

If you know me, you might have heard this story before.

But as I just wrote a little blog about riding bike to work, this story came blazing back to the forefront of my mind.

It's funny. Pitiful. and maybe a little disgusting.  Ingredients to a great story if I do say so myself.

So this happened in California where my uncle lives.

I guess during the week, my uncle and cousins were planning a mountain bike ride.  You know cause we were visiting from Hawaii, so they wanted to do stuff that we don't normally do.  So on the way (it was early and) my stomach wasn't feeling very good. IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE! IT REALLY WAS NOT FEELING GOOD. So there was that.

So in my mind, I know I can ride a bike.  How hard can riding through a few "hills" be?  Plus I'm the oldest of all my cousins so that automatically makes me the most athletically gifted! I should shine here.  This is my time!

So we get out.  There's me, my two cousins, & my uncle (as I remember this...although there could have been more, but I feel like the four of us will be the main players in this story). We all get our bikes...except for my uncle.  He's gonna run it. That's right, I said run.  He's crazy.  But he runs you kinda gotta be a little crazy to run marathon, right?  Anyway, on to the story...

this isn't the mountain we rode up. but it could've been something like this!
yeah, it probably was...I'm sure of it.
I don't really remember the that part must have been easy.  Until THE HILL. Virtually straight up.  Like trying to climb a vertical wall w/ a bike.  I don't know how my little cousins did it so quickly.  But all I remember about this part is...

Until my uncle comes and saves the day!  He comes up behind my bike, grabs the seat, and pushes me up the hill.

Yup, I'm officially embarrassed.

My "little" cousins, just pumping their pedals beside me and riding like it's nothing...and here I going smoothly up the hill powered by my uncle, who was running.  And now that I think about it, he made it up really fast.  He didn't just give me a boost and say, "Go Jared!" He kept pushing me to the top.  [pitiful][ reference to me of course]

(Now that I'm writing this, I realize that the bike I was using must have been broken or something.  Probably couldn't go up hills)

Ok, so we're at the top of the hill...I mean mountain. Now is the fun part down the hill...I mean mountain.  It's not too steep and kinda zigzags down.  My cousins have done this before so we wait a bit, which gives me time to watch how other people are going down.  Doesn't look that hard...and we're off!

Down hill is WAY funner than up hill.  For sure.  It'd be even funner if there weren't so much rocks on that path.  Bumps all the way down.  No smooth areas.  And you know how my stomach was giving me problems in the beginning of this story?  Well it wasn't getting any better going down this path.

Finally we make it to the bottom and I gotta go. Take a crap.  But this is the mountains.  No 7-11 or gas station bathroom to stop by here.  It is just trees and grass and mountain and...that's it.  At this point, after coming down this mountian, I will not be able to ride back to the car, wait for my uncle to finish his run, get into the van, drive back to the house, and use the bathroom there.  No.  This is happening now.  Another minor detail...I don't have any toilet paper.  GREAT!  This is turning out to be the best bike ride EVER.  I ask my cousin if they have any and he says, "yeah, I do." No he didn't, cause who packs toilet paper on a bike ride?  But he does rip off his sleeve and gives that to me to use.  Wow.  That's family. (sniff sniff)

Ok, so now I run to an area with a few trees and a lot of bush for covering.

I do my thing.

Didn't think I was gonna make it there.  But I did.  So after taking care of business, I get back to my cousins who were waiting for me.  They ask me I went to take my crap and as I'm pointing to where I went, along comes a deer...goes right to the spot where I went...puts it's head down...sniffs...& leaves.

Wow, I just saw a deer.  In the wild.

The end.

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